The Horrorscope Hourglass Horrorscope for 1998 - A Doom-sayer Satire,
by Donna Lypchuk and John McKay-Clements

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Horrorscope for 1998 A.D.

Horrorscope fantasy art: Medieval Seer and dragon.

(c)1998 by Donna Lypchuk and John McKay-Clements

Reprinted with permission of the authors in STAR SIGNS Astrology Zine (Horoscope Humor section) at http://www.astrologyzine.com

Disclaimer: This "Horrorscope" is a satire, a spoof, a send-up, and a put-down of the type of "doom-and-gloom" predictions many ancient astrologers (and some modern horoscope writers) put out as a Horoscope reading. The co-author John McKay-Clements is a serious professional astrologer who (like me) knows we all have to laugh at ourselves sometimes. John had fun co-creating a phony forecast based on real 1998 horoscope data, but spoken in the scary style of a medieval astrologer like Nostradamus (pronounced "Nasty Damn-us") who saw some Planets like Mars and Saturn as "malefic". Consider this "Horrorscope" as "dark humor" and have fun reading it to your friends; but don't take a word of this fiction as fact (as much as you may want to believe what this horoscope mis-reading says about your friends and enemies). Read at your own risk!
- Michael Star, Astrologer

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Predictvs Horribilvs Extremima. Latin manuscript by Maternus. A medieval misguided malefic mockery of a horoscope.

It was with heavy hearts and sudden fits of great mental consternation that astrologer-seer John McKay-Clements and I, humble scribe to the all-seeing eye, prepared ourselves for the task that the Winter Solstice always brings - the divination of the immediate future.

In our quest we split pomegranates and assumed wisdom from the seeds. We read the entrails of the Thanksgiving turkey and attended the virgin sacrifice of Tori Spelling on Beverly Hills 90210. We drank blood-colored wine from leaden goblets, hoping for the divine delirium. But still no message was forthcoming.

Suddenly, John stumbled upon Matbeseos Libri VIII, a dusty tome written in the 4th Century AD by the Roman astrologer Firmicus Maternus. Temporarily maddened, John trance-channelled Firmicus' predictions for 1998.

The Old Doom Sayer Once summoned, the spirit of Firmicus was somewhat taken aback by the existence of the planets Uranus, Neptune and Pluto. But soon the old doomsayer was back into the celestial swing of things, and he compelled John's quill to once again pour forth his prophecies.

Horrorscope for 1998 A.D.

1998 Horoscope for Aries (March 21 - April 19)

These Children of the Ram, combatants wont to stun themselves through the butting of heads, shall finally be free to frolic in June. The blooming of the first roses shall bring to an end two-and-a-half years of obeisance to Saturn's stern hand. Before Saturn releases its iron grip, however, there shall be a time of great stupidity and carelessness from March 5 to April 13, when, thanks to hot-headed Mars, the Aries-born might cut off their fingers, suffer all manner of burns, scalds, headaches, heat rashes and murderous burning of the sexual nether parts.

When Mercury, the planet of communication, is retrograde from March 27 to April 20, the Aries-born shall suddenly fumble and lose his tongue. In June, the Aries billfold shall be thinner, but their minds shall grow fat with compassion and intuition and realizations shall spew forth from their heads like lava from Pompeii.

Other Arrogant Arians:

Kiss-and-tell gigolo Casanova; cadaver-eating Satanic Bible author Anton Lavey; pill-popping youth quaker Edie Sedgwick; queer-bashing orange juice pitcher Anita Bryant; diseased boy-loving poet laureate Paul Verlaine; highly unpleasant thespian Marlon Brando.


1998 Horoscope for Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The Bull-headed one, cattle among the signs. O clinger onto earth and possessions, who is always dead set against change! As the summer solstice begins, the snorting Bull shall find himself bearing the heavy yoke of Saturnine burdens. He shall toil long hours for little money, be possessed of a weighty gloom and brood every day with ceaseless self-recriminations. The Bull's innate clumsiness will redouble and his irritation increase at those who are free and graceful. He shall not be able to savor the earthly delights of the senses he so frivolously chases. His nose shall be stuffed with the stench of regret.

Further, when Chiron, the cosmic wounded-healer, traverses the opposing sign of Scorpio, he shall struggle with the addictions and excessive demands of sexual playmates and perhaps even be stricken with venereal disease. Those born in the early days of Taurus (April 20-22) may also experience a sudden, mysterious turning of events that leaves their minds shrouded in confusion. All Bulls should learn to change as life changes, or be forever, like Sisyphus, crushed by the rock.

Other Totalitarian Taureans:

World-dominating artist wannabe Adolf Hitler; poisonous patroness of the arts Lucretia Borgia; reformed child porn star Traci Lords; punk granddaddy Iggy Pop; horse-loving Empress Catherine the Great; real life Citizen Kane subject William Randolph Hearst.


1998 Horoscope for Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Deadliest of doppelgangers, chattering children of the celestial plains, The Twins - usually so wont to nimbly skim the surface of that which requires serious thought and committed determination - shall struggle with persons and events that demand steady concentration this year as Pluto opposes their Sign. After their birthdays, when Saturn makes his ingress into the 12th house of Self-Undoing, the Twins may find themselves laboring without love and exiled to social pleasures. They shall be engaged in plots of knives and sudden woundings that will leave them muttering, as did Caesar, "Et tu Brute?" And their dreams shall be filled with jeering judges, merry misers, scowling fathers and tightfisted tax collectors. Those born between May 27 and May 30 will begin existence anew, willingly or unwillingly, as Pluto consumes life as they know it.

Between May 24 and July 6, all Geminis shall he the contentious sowers of discord and careless provokers of arguments, even more so than usual! Still, this year, the Twins shall hatch brilliant new plans and inventions, needing only to be exceedingly careful in the execution thereof.

Other Jabbering Geminis:

Schlock horror movie actor Vincent Price; pompous windbag lawyer F. Lee Bailey; depressed bald guy Jean-Paul Sartre; Fiddle-Faddle loving U.S. president John F. Kennedy; anti-Semitic composer Richard Wagner; political Howdy Doody look-alike Preston Manning.


1998 Horoscope for Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

O Proud Possessor of the Pearl, indrawn, emotional empath of the Zodiac! The sadly smiling seeker of security shall continue to accumulate treasures in his tenacious claws this year, both through brilliant strategies and blind luck. As Uranus transits his realm of moneylenders, the Crab will astound with his financial second sight. Maternus says fortunes shine inside an electric box that contains the secrets of Arachne's Web. Pluto in the Crab's natural House of Health means that the homely Crab shall be shell-shocked by many sudden demands for attention.

He who is so wont to happily feed on the silt at the bottom of the ocean by himself shall suddenly find himself surrounded by all manner of desperate, greedy bottom-feeders when Saturn enters his House of Clannish Associations. Saturn shall inspire his friends to force all manner of delays on him, as well as suffer him to endure endless lectures and bitter reflections about the past. Beware death by drowning and do not fall prey to overwork. The Cancer should look upwards, toward the sun shining on the surface of the ocean, to find inspiration and the desire to learn, lest all of his blessings cease to drift so conveniently to his depth.

Other Clammy-fisted Cancerians:

Back-stabbed statesman Julius Caesar; wife-beating football pro O.J. Simpson; soft-spoken ear-ripper Mike Tyson; made~over sociopath Courtney Love; slave-abusing hotel magnate Leona Helmsley; shoe-collecting Filipino dictator Imeldo Marcos; uptight astrology freak Nancy Reagan.


1998 Horoscope for Leo (July 23 - August 22)

O Snarly Lion, self-appointed Hero of the Empire, melodramatic star at the centre of the cosmos who lives in bondage to flattery! Saturn squaring Leo in June brings drastic changes. Friends who once stared on Leo with love will suddenly stare in disbelief. Suitors will no longer tempt him with golden apples. Co-workers shall foment plots against him and their cruel words shall engulf him in a poisonous froth. Time shall seem as if multiplied three times, and many things shall suddenly mean their opposite. By mid-year Leo will feel shipwrecked. Pluto in the Fifth house of Fated Love Affairs places the Lion in the company of evil temptresses. Powerful manipulations and subjugations in love shall rule the day. From July 12 to Sept. 6, the Lion's brain may be as if under a cloud, and many messengers may go astray.

A solar eclipse (Aug. 20-22) will bring those born during the last three days of Leo powerful creative energy that will last until that time in 1999. These Leos will become absurd and exaggerated in their boastfulness, and will act as if the Sun emanated from their hindmost parts.

Other Ludicrous Leos:

King-of-the-World wannabe Benito Mussolini; roundish cigar smoker Fidel Castro; generously-endowed porn actor John Holmes; generously-endowed Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher; scary Nazi propagandist Leni Riefenstahl; stuttering good-guy Emperor Claudius I of Rome.


1998 Horoscope for Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

O Vigilant Vestal Virgin, Servant of the Zodiac, scrubber of Roman tiles, applier of tourniquets in Empire hospices! This worried seeker of perfection shall find himself strangely prey to excess this year. Jupiter's voyage through Pisces may leave the Virgin shrieking in horror when the Bacchanalian revels begin. The Virgo may find himself suddenly tempted to drown his sorrows in exotic meads. Beware, as a loved one may become prey to narcotics. The Virgo himself may suddenly indulge in unseemly activities, fanning the fire between his loins rather than attending to the hearth at home. He shall keep perfumed and pomaded companions about him, dance naked in places of worship, and frequent the houses of harlotry.

The fault-finding Virgo, who already interferes readily in the misadventures of others, shall worsen his own situation Oct. 8 - Nov. 26 as Mars endows him with a fiery, forked tongue. Uranus and Neptune in the Virgin's sixth House of health shall have him suffer watery discharge from the eyes or a sudden outbreak of hives. He should also take care of all matters circulatory, lest his legs become gangrenous. If Virgos can still the torrents that stir their minds in 1998, they shall laugh and perceive their life as a divine comedy. Their cooking shall be savory and their cleaning shall shine.

Other Virulent Virgos:

Evil emperor Caligula; easily-hypnotized Charles Manson groupie Leslie Van Houten; Frankenstein progenitor Mary Shelley; talent-free genius Oliver Stone; real-life "Hannibal Lecter" Edward Gein; the shaman of showmanship Sid Caesar.


1998 Horoscope for Libra (September 23 - October 23)

O beautifully buttocked butterfly! Libra, whose pursuit of pleasure and self-glorification often leads to dizzying revels (followed by half-hearted self-flagellation), shall finally be free of Saturn's suffocating caul. By the Summer Solstice, the Libran shall cast off his shroud of gloom. His mind will be free to vacillate, while his body, quite beyond his control, goes forth and seeks Indulgence. Following June, these Children of Narcissus spend less time weighing the wages of their sins against the kindnesses born of remorse. The Libran's life shall flow smoothly, like rich honey pouring into the pot. Like Persephone romping through the fields, the Libran shall be free to chase lusty mouths, glowing eyes, bobbing extremities, and voluptuaries of every kind.

As Uranus transits his fifth House of Love Affairs, Libra shall be attracted to novelty and danger, forsaking everything domestic for the pleasure of being abused by leather-clad Atlanteans. A year of bliss unfolds for most Librans, provided they pay attention to the Golden Mean.

Other Licentious Librans:

Boy-Wonder Alexander the Great; assassin Lee Harvey Oswald; heroin addict and tarot deck designer Aleister Crowley; neck-biting heroin addict Bela Lugosi; cradle-robbing pianist Jerry Lee Lewis; philosophical Friedrich Neitzsche; LSD-saturated Harvard psychologist Timothy Leary.


1998 Horoscope for Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)

O Scorpio, sexual sorcerer of the Zodiac, so obsessed with all things bestial! This plotter and assassin, apt to claim obedience from others while giving so little in return, shall this year be shaken rudely from his pleasant trance. He who is so wont to hex another at the merest imagining of a slight shall suddenly find himself hexed by the planetary bodies. The Scorpion will substitute his waning powers of mesmerization with outright tyranny. Those who try to escape his wrath shall find themselves tethered to the rocks and left to die in the sun.

Also, pity the poor lover of the hard-boiled Scorpion, who shall find their loins held hostage as Uranus spoils murderously in his House of The Lower Mind. The Scorpion's natural jealousy shall redouble, as his mind foams like the sea with constant visions of infidelity. The fairest in his life shall be driven to distraction, as the Scorpion's corrupt imaginings rise to the surface like foul-smelling bubbles in a Roman bath. If he does not check his possessive, controlling ways, his life shall be shaken repeatedly by domestic cataclysms.

However, Chiron the wounded healer, while crossing his sign, shall speed healing rays to the Scorpion's tortured soul. Relationships may end, but new love affairs shall quickly begin. All in all, a year of suffering and magical regeneration is foretold for this most monstrous of sexual partners.

Other Scrotal Scorpios:

Super-fornicator Tiberius, Emperor of Rome; ritual sex-and-death cult leader Charles Manson; moody dead poet Sylvia Plath; sneaky Howard Hughes diary-forger Clifford Irving; ice-pick-in-the-head Communist dissenter Leon Trotsky.


1998 Horoscope for Sagittarius (November 22 - Dec. 21)

O stumbling, slurring satyr, pompous wanderer! This lover of philosophy continues his two-year trip through Hades while tripping over his own four feet, thanks to the influence of Pluto. Every day, the Centaur shall awake and be startled by his own shadow. He shall be terrorized by demons and monsters, both real and of his own imagining. Those early-born Horses (between Nov. 28 and Dec. 2) shall especially notice all manner of eruptions, unease, and drastic changes as the New Year brings the return of all that was thought forgotten, as well as a renewed burst of criminal activity. The aim of the Archer's trusty arrow shall be woefully untrue. He shall shoot himself oft in the foot, or discover to his dismay that he has wounded the very angel who can lead him back to the light. To add to the Archer's slow and steady corruption, bounteous Jupiter shall bestow all manner of carnal and base delights. The slaking of spirits shall only serve to float him further out to sea.

Saturn is in the Archer's sixth House of Health, so he must mind his hooves and eat his hay - lest he be sent to the stunning pen.

Other Stumbling Sagittarians:

Joy-riding serial killer Charlie Starkweather; bunglng burglar of Watergate, G. Gordon Liddy; Frankenstein impersonator Boris Karloff; oedipally-tormented dead singer Jim Morrison; smooth full-bodied Star Trek villain Ricardo Montalban; fiddling firebug Nero.


1998 Horoscope for Capricorn (December 22- Jan. 19)

O Hoarding Homunculi of the horoscope! The gloomy goat so wont to manipulate others without remorse shall be, if it be believed possible, even colder in expression this year. Saturn in his fifth House of Love Affairs and Creativity shall give him no cause for joy, as the fountains of love and inspiration from which he has supped so greedily cease flowing. His loved ones shall transform from friendly cherubs into monstrous gargoyles, and the presentation of his ideas shall seem as if powdered with graveyard dust. The Goat shall be subjected to additional famines as the presence of Neptune in his second House of Money causes wealth to spiral away from him like water down a drain. Neptune shall share company with Uranus, which shall cause all manner of cataclysmic events at work. Furthermore, the normally cold and calculating Capricorn will find himself uncharacteristically dumbfounded when the solutions to his problems shall seem to him as riddles put forth by the Sphinx.

Despite these evident failings, the Capricorn shall still see himself as the invincible darling of the gods, as Uranus shall serve to swell his sense of self. The social-climbing goat should beware of losing his footing. Perhaps if Capricorn begins a long reflection, he might, within the space of several lifetimes, begin to appreciate the value of giving something of himself to others.

Other Callous Capricorns:

Twilight Zone inhabitant Rod Serling; Third Reich inhabitant Hermann Goering; seamy ancient rock star David Bowie; porn star Linda Lovelace; garter-belt-wearing shock jock Howard Stern; tights-wearing Magna Carta tyrant King John.


1998 Horoscope for Aquarius (January 90 - February 18)

Darlings of the Dawning Age, these Water Bearers - carriers of the chamber pots of learning, creators of inventions and inventors of lunacy, planners of an ideal society even as they forget that their own children starve - shall be moved to tears this year. When Neptune joins Uranus in this most unnatural of signs, Aquarians may find themselves to have emotional as well as mechanical intuitions. Those who would so coldly sacrifice the lives of their future children in the name of science and progress shall suddenly find themselves affected by the beauty of the present Paradise. They shall weep like a rose wrung out with dew at the sight of any injustice. They shall see harlots as nurses, jailers as lovers, murderers as victims, victims as angels, and the meeting place with the Golden Arches as a temple that gathers the poor. They shall empathize with the fish in the ocean, the money-lenders in the temple, and the pigs in the pen. Saturn in the Aquarian's fourth House of Homes and Endings will cause the pillars of his home to crumble and family life to collapse. His children will squander his assets, and what remains will be used to pay for family funerals.

Pluto in his eleventh House of Friendship, ordinarily a source of fraternity and pleasant association, shall fester a swamp of tyrannical dictators and despots, excessive in their demands for unreasonable loyalty and constancy. However, the Aquarian will be so wrapped up in his mania for the future he may not notice.

Other Anachronistic Aquarians:

Foiled Gerald Ford assassin Sarah Moore; Machiavellian artist-housewife Yoko Ono; quack doctor to the Tsar Gregori Rasputin; prostitute-obsessed Black Panther co-founder Huey Newton; heroin-addicted typewriter operator William S. Burroughs; prose-murdering Gertrude Stein; paranoid wall-builder Hadrian, Emperor of Rome.


1998 Horoscope for Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

O Gasping Guppies of the Galaxy! These rosy-eyed dreamers so wont to dwell on impossible plans shall fantasize in pleasant comfort this year. No longer shall they be like the misguided fisherman who waits in the desert for a faraway tide to spill forth its treasures. For the first time in twelve long, miserable years, Jupiter's benign rays shall raft down on pitiful Piscean heads. It's true that the very early born, between Feb.25 and March 2, will still be plowed into the underworld by that celestial servant of Hades, the planet Pluto. But those later born will receive many blessings. They shall feel pleased that someone else is playing the martyr this year.

However, the solar eclipse on Feb. 26 shall bring an amazing boost of vitality to some of the Pisces early born  (Feb. 24-28), which shall give them the strength to suffer repeated blows. The momentary blinding of the Sun shall serve to open many doors. They shall serve in the sacred temples and be invited to join secret societies. All fishes shall grow fat with knowledge and wisdom, and their unusual luck at escaping muddles of their own making will be redoubled as Jupiter, bearer of good fortune, makes his passage through this double-bodied sign. The Piscean heart shall bloom with thoughts of self-endearment. He shall see his rebirth as holy, and the streets shall swell with bare-chested Pisceans who have given their shirts away.

Other Pitiful Pisceans:

Mascara-melting evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker; praying prostitute-pumper Jimmy Swaggart; Nazi doctor Joseph Mengele; unfortunate Sid Vicious co-dependant Nancy Spungeon; Martin Luther King murderer James Earl Ray; redundantly-renamed R.F.K. assassin Sirhan Sirhan.

(c)1998 by Donna Lypchuk and John McKay-Clements

"For amusement only."


Published on www FEB 02 1998. Updated September 8 1998 01:00 EDT.

About the Authors

Scorpion John McKay-Clements is a licentious Libra and author of "The Canadian Astrology Collection" of Canadian celebrity birth charts, available in March 1998. Donna Lypchuk is a jabbering Gemini and prominent Canadian columnist. Blame this horrorscope on the fact that they share a moon in Scorpio.


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(c)1998 by Donna Lypchuk and John McKay-Clements

Reprinted with permission of the authors in
STAR SIGNS Astrology Zine (Horoscope Humor Section)

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(c)1996 Michael Star

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